THE EVIDENCE
22Although I heard the evidence of the parents first, I propose to give my assessment of the other witnesses and evidence before I deal with the parents’ evidence.23The grandparents’ oral evidence did not differ greatly from their written evidence. I also have evidence in the Cafcass report about the children’s feelings and in assessments by Hampshire Children’s Services about father’s present household. I found it telling that the father, despite having had a long time to consider that evidence, is still unable to see any viewpoint other than his own and still lacks insight into the effects of his behaviour on the children or their mother. He minimises any incident, he considers himself a victim, and shows no understanding of the effects of his behaviour on the children. Mother was able to reflect on the mistakes she made and to see things from the children’s perspective.24I found the evidence of the grandparents helpful in this case. The paternal grandfather has a strong relationship with the children and helped with the contact arrangements. He is supportive of mother now. He describes father, his son, as having a dictatorial attitude and using foul language at contact handovers towards mother and him. He says A was frightened of her father and would only come out of the house when he, the grandfather, was there. He described an occasion in early 2020 when father was angry because B did not want to go to Portsmouth and he shouted at mother that there was a court order and then he forcefully put B into the car. In cross-examination, grandfather said he had seen that. Father said there had not been any problems with C but grandfather recalled a car boot sale in about 2019 when father grabbed C in anger and then left in fury when she did not want to go to contact. The grandfather also dealt with the Xbox and I will come back to that.25It was clear from the evidence of both parents and grandfather that father did not want grandfather to be present at handovers. Father says that grandfather’s presence began to create a sense of fear in the children with regard to him. He says that grandfather and mother were regularly shouting at him. I do not accept that. I saw no aggression in them. I saw a grandfather happy to help and who, at the time, got on well with his own son so handovers could have gone smoothly for the children.26They no longer get on. Father cross-examined grandfather about this. Grandfather described an occasion when father squared up to him and said, “You are not my father. You are nothing to me.” There is no dispute that that happened but father said that exchange is irrelevant. The children, fortunately, had gone inside but that helps me to see who was the aggressor and I have to look at all the evidence I have about these parties. The children, particularly A, wanted their grandfather there at handovers. There was no need for father to make an issue of it. He did though. He got cross and made an issue of it, then he says that is part of the alienation. I have no evidence that the children were aware of the opinion their grandfather now has of his son.27I did not find the evidence of the paternal grandmother of much assistance on the issues. She lives in Germany. She said she has referred to flight records and photographs to ensure her data is as accurate as possible but then she was vague on the dates. Father made great criticisms of grandfather for not remembering dates which was unfortunate in the circumstances. On her own evidence, paternal grandmother has not shielded the children from the difficulties between the adults. She made it plain that she dislikes gated communities. She said that, “One time, when we were taking the children back to their mother, B told us that he knew the code but was not allowed to tell us so [we] would not be able to get in.” She thought this was a burden for the children. My view is that she could have reassured B that it did not matter or even praise him for being good in not giving out the code. As counsel for the guardian pointed out, it could be that the code for the gate should not be given out. 28My concern from the point of view of the children’s welfare was that grandmother knew that the arrangements were to collect the children from the gate but she asked to go into the mother’s home on one occasion to use the toilet. She then made an issue of the fact that mother pointed out a café across the road. Having seen the photographs, that café may even have been nearer, although that is not the point. Separated parents often make arrangements for handovers at a gate, the end of the road or at a service station with CCTV, for example. If the parents handle it in a child sensitive way, it is not an issue. Grandmother has her own views about gated communities. She should not push them on to the children. Towards the end of her evidence, grandmother was more reflective and accepted that it was her perception about the gates. However, father and paternal grandmother made an issue of the gate in front of the children and then father said that having to collect the children from the gate created fear. He engineered a problem and then he tried to blame mother for it. That is not the only time he created a problem over the gate.29The paternal grandmother recalled seeing the children several times in Cambourne and that is just outside Cambridge. She referred to a fun snowball fight in 2017. That accords with mother’s case that the children did enjoy contact in this area but not in Portsmouth. Grandmother’s allegations about hostility at contact were not very specific. She gave the impression that words were had on all sides but she blamed mother and grandfather for it. She suggested that grandfather had referred to the children as his children, which I find unlikely. She also said that father had asked C why she thought she had tummy aches and C has replied, “Mummy said it’s God’s way of punishing me.” I find that unlikely. Mother has not said anything like that to the children. 30Grandmother resented being asked about her non-specific allegations. When counsel for the guardian asked about the occasion of the car boot sale pick up when she suggested A was held by her grandfather, she backtracked and did not say that A was prevented from going forwards. I do not think A was being prevented. I think grandmother was trying to support her son but the reality is she was not able to support his case when it came down to details rather than generalities. Regrettably, she saw nothing wrong in their failure to tell mother about the incident where C had blood in her urine. Father is very critical of the mother for not providing him with information about the children yet his failure on that occasion led to C being distressed and the breakdown in contact; father did not mention that on his C100. The children stayed with him for the weekend at the start of December 2019. C went to the toilet and there was some blood in her urine. She expected her father to tell her mother. She was upset because her mother did not know what had happened. Father said he was going to tell the mother once he got back to Portsmouth. He said he did not want to talk about it in front of the children. I pause there to say that he now says C did not want him to. C told her mother who spoke to the GP and then the local authority became involved. That led to mother saying contact would be visiting contact and father made his application to the court. In my judgment, father or grandmother had several hours in which they could have messaged mother and they chose not to. 31I also heard evidence from maternal grandmother. She was asked about the times when the parents were together and mother locked herself in the bathroom with A. Grandmother said it was more than once but no more than ten times. Even now, A does not lock the door when she goes into the bathroom. Of her recollection that father was rough with the children on occasions, she accepted that we all parent in different ways. She accepted that there was one occasion when A had overheard them disparaging father. She regretted it, as did mother. I found her measured, willing to see other points of view, and accept where mistakes had been made. I do not think she was exaggerating. Father thinks a lot has been made of a few incidents but grandmother rightly said that what happens to children can be cumulative. He makes a lot of one mistake by mother but thinks that his cumulative mistakes should be ignored.32Of the time when A was scared and did not want to talk to her father after a school play a couple of years ago, grandmother said A said to him, “Get your hands off me.” He said that she should have tried to make A talk to him. Grandmother said it would have been difficult to try and force her in front of people. I agree. Father does not seem able to have a sensitive approach to the children and then he blames others. 33Mother, father, and grandfather have all given evidence about the Xbox. It is an issue for B. B told the Cafcass officer: “Dad gave me an Xbox but it is in Portsmouth. He said it is mine but I have to go to Portsmouth to use it.” Father said that his mother gave it to him for him and the children and stipulated that it should be kept at his house. She did not say that in her statement and she did not give evidence about it. She brought presents to court for the children and I find it hard to believe she would say that. A told the Cafcass officer that dad told them they could only have birthday presents this year (that was 2020), if they saw him in person. B said daddy had said, “If you want your presents, come over to Portsmouth.” 34When C was seen by the Cafcass officer for her second report in July 2021, she said contact was okay at the contact centre but felt it was not actually like dad, “He was not acting normal. He was acting all nice.” She said she wants dad to stop saying everything is better at his place and, “If you come, I’ll give you an iPad and I’ll play with you.” She does not like the phone calls because, “Dad doesn’t listen. He annoys us and once he called me dumb, basically.” 35Father has several games consoles and he told the court that he also bought a different one for the children so this is not a financial issue. The plain fact is he will not let B have the Xbox and he would only give the children their Christmas presents if they went to Portsmouth. Mother said B struggles with why he could not just borrow the Xbox to play on. Father sees nothing wrong with his position and is incapable of seeing that if he listens to how his children feel and acts on it, they may have a better view of him. He relies on the positive aspects of the summary from the contact centre whilst ignoring the rest. 36Father blames the mother for the children’s views but the children were seen individually at school and were able to explain the reasons for their feelings about contact with their father. A remembers that usually when her parents had a fight: “My dad would be shouting at mum. He would shout at her most of the time.” She said she remembers he smacked B and once he flicked B’s ear and B said it hurt him. She also remembers: “Once, when I was in the car, he started shouting at me and kept on shouting at me.”37She indicated that when her family was unhappy, it was usually because of something her father did, usually because he was shouting. Mum was crying because dad was shouting at her and she was trying to comfort mum. B and C were trying to stop dad shouting, saying, “Please stop” and pulling him a tiny bit. A said her mother never shouts at them, never shouts at all, “The opposite of my dad.” The incident that A was referring to was an incident in the car. That incident is not in dispute. Father just cannot understand how she felt as a child.38Moving on to D28, B said about his father: “I still want to see him a little bit but dad should live in Cambridge and chill.” B said he would like to see dad one day each month in Cambridge. He does not want to see dad at Christmas because he wants to spend his Christmas with mum for once. In relation to his dad flicking his ear, he said: “Dad flicked my ear and pulled my hair, which was very short. It hurt. Dad shouts a lot. He gets angry very quickly. I don’t like him that much. He is annoying, poking his nose in, and asking too many questions.” When father gave evidence, he said B was being unruly and getting into a tizzy, so he leant round and tapped his leg. There was another occasion when he flicked B’s ear. He thinks this has been overplayed but it affected B and he raised it at school.39B said he never wants to go and see dad. It is a long journey and too far to go to his house: “He says we have to go and see him and daddy said, ‘If you want your presents, come over to Portsmouth’.” Father accepts that he flicked B’s ear and he smacked him in the car, but he cannot understand how B felt. He things A should not have known about that but children talk to each other. He suggested that mother has created false memories in A’s mind because A was not present. I do not accept that.40C had said she did not want to go in the car to her dad’s house. She preferred the contact centre. Contact took place there fortnightly from December 2020 to April 2021. This is not supervised contact and so the observations are not wide-ranging but they were positive. In the overview from LD, she says that father was reported consistently to meet the children’s needs during contact. For example, “he planned structured activities, stimulation, provided appropriate levels of supervision, enforced appropriate boundaries of behaviour, and resolved sibling rivalry and excitement. He has been observed to demonstrate appropriate emotional warmth, share his times equally between the children, and provide an opportunity for the children to express themselves. Conversations overheard have always been appropriate. The children consistently report having enjoyed time with their father.” As C herself observed, father was able to behave appropriately in the confines of the contact centre. It is a great shame he was not able to do it the rest of the time. It may be that the guardian will consider that when he looks at the type of contact which is in the children’s interests.41Father chose to move to Portsmouth and says mother created psychological obstacles to the children visiting him such as them complaining about the journey. It was his choice to put a distance between him and the children. He could not see that for these young children it was a long journey and they did not enjoy it. Doing that journey every other weekend is different to the odd family day out to the seaside with both parents in the car to look after the children. 42In addition to the Cafcass reports, I have assessments by Hampshire County Council from 2 June 2021 and 8 April 2022. In the first assessment, one of the children said that mum’s new boyfriend (that is father in these proceedings) is mean to him. Another child said he was a nice guy. He said his mum had told him not to talk about what is going on at home at school. He said that he would like his mum and [father] in this case to get along better. When they argue, they shout a lot. He explained that [father] tells his mother to shut up and his mum asks [father] to leave her alone and does not. The children’s mother said that she and [father] have arguments but that was her issue. Those comments had a very familiar ring to them.43There was a second assessment following a referral from one of the children’s schools and this is the report that came from the teacher. The child said his mum and [father] “were arguing last night and threw the PlayStation”. The child said something about the police. The teacher asked if he had told his teacher or another adult in school about this and she clearly heard the child say, “No. They would be so angry. I’m scared.”44When the child saw the social worker, he referred to a bit of an argument. His mother seemed to be saying it was her fault. [Father] said it was a once in a blue moon argument but the social worker noted that verbal conflict and arguments had arisen on a number of occasions previously. Father in his oral evidence minimised those incidents and he deflected blame on to his current partner, or on to the mother in these proceedings and that is a pattern of his behaviour. Mother in these proceedings said in one of her statements that she thought it was because of her that father shouted at the children, and in her oral evidence she said that the way the father’s current partner played things down was familiar because that is what she did too. In my judgment, responsibility for the way he treats people lies with father. Two partners and their children have all described similar experiences.