FD24P00534 - [2025] EWHC 717 (Fam)

Conclusions

Standing back and looking at the evidence overall, I do not find, on the balance of probabilities, that any of the allegations made by the mother against the father are proved. I find it is more likely than not that her allegations derive from a combination of re-evaluating the father’s behaviour towards both the children and herself in a sinister light and exaggeration of past events in an unhappy relationship. The allegations the mother has made are not supported by the surrounding evidence or, for the most part, by the children themselves. It is apparent from statements that R made to the professionals that she had absorbed and heard a number of the allegations made by her mother, which very much limits the weight that can be given to what she said about the father hitting them or his screaming at everyone.

I think it very unlikely that the children’s teachers would not have been alerted to something going on in the home, or that the children would have presented as they did to the social worker on 30^th September and 22^nd October in particular, but also later, had the mother’s allegations about verbal and physical abuse of herself and the children been correct. The same applies to the allegations of sexual abuse of the children.

In stating this I make it clear that I do not accept all of the father’s evidence. In some respects he was clearly trying to cast himself in a positive light. He downplayed the disagreements between himself and the mother, and the extent to which he had become critical of, and frustrated with, her. Whilst not optimal, it is important that household tensions, arguments (even in front of the children), or frustration with small children who do not want to be wiped or cleaned, are not over-interpreted where the evidence does not warrant it.

The mother’s account of rape and sexual abuse was more detailed than the other allegations she made, and she was plainly distressed when answering questions in court. Such allegations are not lightly or easily made, but, after very careful consideration, I do not find that the father forced himself upon the mother without her consent, or that he sexually assaulted or abused her. I make this finding despite my doubts as to whether the father was telling the truth about having sex with the mother when she was wearing tights. Being entirely frank about such intimate matters is difficult and it does not follow from his lack of candour that this constituted a rape.

That there were sexual problems in the marriage is obvious from all the evidence. The mother did not enjoy the intimate side of their relationship much, if at all, and there were lengthy periods when the parties did not have sex. That caused tension.

These two people did not know each other before they married and have no sexual experience beyond it. The rituals surrounding sex within their religious culture (which, for example, require a woman to have permission to avoid going to the Mikvah) are likely to have acted to create expectations on both sides as to what was expected within the marital relationship.

I have not found the mother’s evidence in relation to other serious allegations to be reliable and I must take this into account when considering the allegations she makes about rape and sexual assault. There is a difference between an unhappy sex life where the wishes and feelings of the parties are misaligned and one party agrees to activity which they do not ultimately find enjoyable – or even which makes them feel subsequently as if they had been used - and a situation where they have not given consent.

In my judgement, the father may well have lacked empathy and respect for the mother in their daily lives, causing her distress and hurt. He may also have been crude and insensitive in his approach to sex. All this suggests that he needs to look at himself and take his share of responsibility for the failure of the relationship but, on the evidence before me, it does not cross the line to amount to coercive control or domestic abuse as defined within Practice Direction 12J of the Family Procedure Rules or more generally.

I then turn to consider the findings sought by the father. Whilst I have not made any of the findings sought by the mother, it does not follow that I find that she has behaved maliciously, albeit she has, on my findings, made some claims out of little evidence, and has convinced herself that she and the children have been treated in a way which is not objectively correct. She has not been careful about what she has said in front of the children and has allowed herself to be carried away. I am not prepared to make findings that go further than this.

Both these parties have suffered a very unhappy breakdown of their marriage, and the mother, in particular, has suffered emotionally from being treated with a lack of empathy by the father during the course of the relationship. I urge him to reflect on his behaviour and consider how he might be better attuned to the emotional needs of those around him, and more able to stand back and respect the role that the mother has played and will play in the upbringing of these precious children. To be a good father to his daughters he does need to be sensitive to their needs, wishes and feelings. The mother will also need to reflect on past events and how the children can be encouraged to have a relationship with their father.